Unspoken Expectations Create Uneven Mental Loads
A Scientific Observation Of Relationships
by Aisel Thakur
Quantum Mechanics. A system in itself that describes how systems function. A system simply needs to exist in a superposition. A superposition is a state of multiple possibilities. (Schrödinger et al.) However, it is only up to the observer to collapse the wave function into concrete reality. The problem with potential states is that they may be “a passing thought” for one party, however, the other party has every right to interpret those states. (Hamerhoff, Penrose et al.)
For example, if a husband comes home after work and observes the house in disarray, no food cooking/cooked for dinner, and a child in front of a screen, a thought may pass silently,
What has she been doing all day?
This house is such a mess, I wish…
This child is always watching something.
Then, immediately after the thought, the husband shakes it off. Surely, his wife was working hard on other things. Maybe the house was clean and then the child messed it up minutes later! And of course, in this heat, nobody would want to cook in that hot kitchen! So of course, it seems as though the matter is resolved, right?
A wife may do the same. She may wonder,
Why is our income so low?
Why can’t he… It’s his kid too!
Do I disgust him?
And again, she would respectively shake the thought off.
Except, there’s an object to this thought process. And the object becomes the immediate observer of these very same passing thoughts. Thoughts can become charged without anyone noticing. A simple change in breathing pattern, tone change, any subtle nervous system shift can cause a superposition to become a concrete idea, even when it was an abstract. A charged thought can act like a charged particle. And charged particles create their own electromagnetic fields. When the field shifts, the observer notices.
Women, caregivers, trauma survivors, and hyper-attuned individuals often become the “conductive material” by absorbing and interpreting the fields around them. It is then up to them to neutralize a potential threat by using their own coping techniques to create a safer space around them again. This is why grounding works in such situations. If someone else’s nervous system changes slightly, and your image of them suddenly changes, you wouldn’t immediately think it was because of them. So to assess the risk, the observer needs to gauge which thought was projected, and whether it was based in solid reasoning.
For self-aware people, this often becomes a reflexive form of self-scrutiny. They would rather assume they could have done better even when they were already doing their best. In this way, a husband’s unspoken thought becomes something the wife feels responsible to disprove. And vice versa. Even though it was never uttered. Even though it was never meant to be real. Even though it was only a superposition state in his mind, it became a burden in hers.
So how can they actually rectify with such a complicated emotional entanglement?
Love. Completely centered. Not love from, “I have to love her anyway… I guess.” or, “He’s just tired, forget about it!” These don’t actually address the person. Without the noise. So to actually see each other there, love can only be seen from a complete distance. “Here stands a stranger before me. A version of the “you” I know that I haven’t yet met. Can we get to know each other? I know the version of you who’s kind. Who’s been on top of things. I will love them as I see you now.”
A greeting with full affection, even if it feels absolutely unnerving, or even revolting, can actually fix this shift quite quickly! As she grounds through those images of herself that she knows is not there, a mere request to examine, to sit down together for a moment, changes the tone.
A smile or a hug does go a long way. It doesn’t always have to mean they are now “oppressed” or “repressed.” It simply means they choose in which quantum field to reside. And in this field, those things still exist, however, the longer they stay in the feeling, there may still be jittering in their respective egos for a bit, but the act of connection can change the tune in the mind.
It can project the same way. A figure 8, perhaps. And of course, the union in the center, heart to heart, can finally show both of them that they are not the devils. They are simply doing their best.
